I’ve never been so hurt in my life. Everyone says it gets easier with time but it doesn’t. It gets harder. Every day that your gone hurts me a little bit more. As I get older I realize all the things your never going to see in my life, all the things that a mother should see. You missed my prom you missed my first heart break, my first real relationship, your going to miss my graduation in a week, when I get married, you’ll never see your grand kids, or anything meaningful that will ever happen to me, and no one understands the pain that comes with that. How every single day, memory, moment of my life will be bitter sweet because your not here to share it with me. You suck! I loved you so much but you left me anyways! Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one that feels your absence. I feel as if I’m the only one with the hole in my heart that can’t be fixed. Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why couldn’t you stick it out? I guess your sisters right you really just didn’t love me enough. I’ll never forgive her for putting those thoughts in my head. They will haunt me forever.
I hate how the closer to graduation we get, everyone just keeps getting happier and I just feel like crying all the damn time. I miss my mom so freaking much. She’s missing out on everything and I’m so tired of hearing everyone tell me she’s still with you maddy, she’s watching over you maddy. I don’t care! It’s not the same damn thing. My mother left by her own hand and will never see me get ready for prom or graduate or go to college or get married. My children will never know there grandmother. And it was her choice. People just don’t understand how different it is to lose someone by accident or have them take their own life. The pain is so much different you feel abandoned hurt lost like your not wanted I was 13 when it happened. And now I’m graduating. I honestly have no idea how I’ve made it this far. In so broken on the inside if anyone ever really took the time to see the real me in the inside so messed up and broken they wouldn’t know what to say or do. No one knows just how much you’ve hurt me. How much it’s going to kill me to walk across that stage and know that when everything is done and I go to see all my friends and family you won’t be there. You wont be waiting for me to tell me how proud you are. Nope. I’ll never get that. I’m sick of hearing about everyone’s moms. It hurts to much.
